


Take This Heart of Mine

by clgfanfic



Category: Riptide (TV)
Genre: Christmas Story, Gen, Vietnam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-01
Updated: 2012-11-01
Packaged: 2017-11-17 12:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/551475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clgfanfic/pseuds/clgfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during their time in Vietnam, Cody thinks Nick needs a little R&R.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take This Heart of Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in The Yule Tide #3 and later in Boss And Bodacious: Special Collection #1 under the pen name Sioned Dannan.

Lieutenant Cody Allen paused outside his commander's tent and called, "Knock, knock!"

"Allen!" was the immediate growled reply, "shut up and get your sorry ass in here!"

With a half-suppressed grin, the young lieutenant pushed the flap back and stepped into Colonel Doug "Pitbull" Johnson's private domain.  "You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Sit down, sit down," Johnson said, waving at the empty folding chairs across the folding table from where he sat, studying a map.

Cody slid into one of the chairs and waited for the colonel to explain his summons.

"Allen," Johnson said, dropping his usually boisterous voice to a near whisper, "I want to hear the truth."

"Truth, sir?" Cody asked, confused.

"Ryder.  How is he?"

Cody's gaze immediately dropped from the colonel to the large map of southeast Asia on the folding table.  "Uh, well, sir, he, uh–"

"Allen," Johnson snapped.  "I need an answer, son."

Cody forced himself to meet his CO's non-nonsense gaze.  "Not good, sir."

"Damn," the older man sighed, slapping his hand against the tabletop.  "He has to know that busted extraction wasn't his fault!"

"His head knows that, sir," Cody said, "but his heart's another matter."

The incident was still fresh enough that Cody remembered the details, and he knew it must be even more vivid for Nick.  They'd gone in to follow up on information obtained by a long range reconnaissance patrol.  It was supposed to be a quick snatch and grab with another MACV-SOG unit backing them up.  Nick had inserted Johnson's team, then flew a circuitous route of dummy insertions to confuse any ground observers.

The mission itself had gone off without a hitch.  They found the man they were looking for and the intelligence they were after.  It was during the extraction that all hell broke loose.

Nick and a second chopper dropped in for them under heavy ground fire.  Cody, Johnson and the rest of Pitbull's hand-picked unit piled onto Nick's chopper while their support squad loaded into the second craft.  As the two choppers lifted out of the LZ ground fire assaulted both craft.  Nick's chopper was struck, smoke immediately filling the open bay of the Huey and blinding the door gunners.  Fighting the controls, Nick managed to swing them up and over the tree line, giving them a slight margin of safety from the shooters on the ground, but the chopper, damaged almost to the point of no return, bucked and swayed despite all Ryder's efforts.

As Nick fought to keep them in the air, his Huey and the second bumped.  The second pilot, Robbie Faye, lost control of his craft, crashing back into the jungle. By the time another dust-off arrived with a gunship for support three men were dead, including Faye.  Soldiers in both choppers had cleared Nick of any culpability in the accident, but he hadn't let himself off the hook.

"…a helluva piece of flying.  It's a damned miracle that any of us are alive!" Johnson was saying when Cody's attention finally turned from the accident to the present.

"I know, sir, and so does Nick, but he's having a little trouble believing it.  I think the fact that we're so close to the holidays isn't helping either.  I don't think this is a good time of year for him."

Johnson nodded, then stood and paced in the confines of the tent.  The man's hunched shoulder and lowered head strongly hinted at the origins of the man's nickname.  Allen waited, hoping that the colonel wouldn't opt to ground Nick.

"Maybe a little time away from this insanity will help him put this in perspective," Johnson concluded.

"Sir, with all due respect, I think grounding Nick–"

"Did I say anything about grounding Ryder?" Johnson snapped.

"No, sir."

He nodded.  "I'm thinking more of a little holiday R&R."

"Sir?"

"Do you need a medic to clean out your ears, Allen?" Johnson blustered.

"No, sir, but–"

"But nothing!  We've got a Christmas cease fire, and I say it's time for this unit to stand down for a few days!  And as for you and Ryder, I want you to check out a jeep, and get your butts into DaNang!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Stop by here on your way out.  I'll have a few items for you to drop off and pick up."

"Yes, sir."

"All right," Johnson said, waving a hand at Allen.  "That's it, get going."

"Thank you, sir."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the man growled.  "Now get out of here!"

"Yes, sir," Cody said, scrambling to his feet and fleeing the tent, a smile carefully hidden.

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

"I still don't see why we need to do this now," Nick grouched as Cody drove then to DaNang. 

"You know Pitbull, he sets his mind on something and nothing short of a tactical nuke is going to budge him," Cody replied lightly.

Nick sighed heavily and slumped down further in the seat, his arms folded defensively across his chest.

Allen sighed silently, wishing the younger man would open up once in a while.  Then again, he reconsidered, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea.  Allen had kept his thoughts and personal stories pretty close to the vest, too.  In the Nam it just wasn't smart to open up, or to make friends.  There were no guarantees that anyone was going to make it back to the World.  He'd seen a lot of guys pay the price for getting attached to a buddy.  No, it just wasn't a smart move.

Still, despite his best efforts Allen found himself worrying about Ryder.  _Damn it_ , he cursed silently.  _I'm just asking for trouble_.

At the large military base the two men dropped off three reports and the mail, then picked up the items Colonel Johnson had requested.  Their official duties over, the two men headed for the officers' club.  Inside they found all the trapping of Christmas, much of it constructed in a make-do fashion, like the small Christmas tree, which was actually a small local bush that had been decorated with paper chains and soda can pop-tops.  Music blasted from a radio and a few men sat scattered through the dimly lit room.

Nick took one long around and shook his head.  "Look, I'm really not feeling up to this," he said.  "I think I'll just go…  I don't know."

"Want some company?"  Cody asked.  Nick met his gaze and held it for a moment.  Allen could almost read the man's thoughts: Am I getting too close?  What's this guy's angle?  Can I get by without talking about that last mission?

The blue eyes looked away.  "Yeah, whatever.  I guess so."

Cody nodded, a slight smile touching his lips.  "Okay.  So, where to?"

"I don't know," Nick said, turning and leading the way out.

Standing outside, the two men watched the day to day activity on the large military base for several minutes before Allen asked, "Uh, any ideas?"

Ryder shrugged.  "Not really."

"You know, maybe–"

"Nick?" a voice called.  "Nick Ryder?  Oh my God!"

The two men turned, spotting a young woman in fatigue pants and a red shirt climbing out of a jeep.  Nick squinted at her, then his eyes rounded slightly as he called, "Gwen?"

"Hey, Nick!" she cried, jogging over to join them, giving Ryder a hug.  She stepped back, a smile on her face.

Allen couldn't help but grin at the surprised expression on the pilot's face.  "Ah, Ryder…?" he said, nodding at the girl when Nick looked his way.

"What?  Oh!"  He looked from Allen to the girl, saying, "Lieutenant Cody Allen, Gwen Foster.  Gwen was a year ahead of me at Lincoln High."

The girl, who looked no older then sixteen, stuck out her hand.  Cody took it and shook.  "Hi, Cody, nice to meet you."

"Hi," he replied.  "Uh, I hope you won't mind me asking, but what're you doing here?"

Her grin widened.  "I hear that a lot.  I'm a USO volunteer."  She tucked a strand of her shoulder length strawberry blond hair behind her ear, then slipped an arm around Nick and asked, "You guys here for our Christmas show?"

"Christmas show?" Nick echoed.

Gwen shook her head, setting the wayward strand free again.  "Yeah, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and we're doing a little pageant thing at the Officers Club.  Will you be here that long?"

"I guess," Nick said as Cody replied "Sure we will."

She giggled.  "It's just so groovy to see someone from back home, you know?  I'd really like it if you could come."  She looked to Cody.  "Both of you."

Nick nodded.  "I guess we can.  We've got a two-day leave."

"Great!" she said.  "Look, I've got to go pick up some more supplies for the pageant.  Why don't I meet you guys back here in…"  She checked her watch.  "…an hour?"

"Uh," Nick said.  "Sure."

"Okay, good," she said, then gave Nick a quick kiss on the cheek before sprinting back to a waiting jeep, climbing in and speeding off."

"An old girlfriend?" Cody asked as they watched her wave as she drove off.

"No," Nick said, the honest surprise in his voice drawing a smile from Allen.  "She was a year ahead of me.  Cheerleader, homecoming queen, she never looked at me twice."

"Too bad, huh?"

"Yeah," Nick said.  "She's…"

"Pretty."

"Pretty nice."

"That, too," Cody admitted.  "So, we've got an hour, what do you want to do?"

Nick looked at his companion.  "Find a hot shower."

"Good idea."

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

Six hours later Cody Allen sat back against the corner of the officer's Club booth and tried to fade into the shadows as Nick and Gwen talked.  He'd lost count of the glasses of beer they'd consumed, but he was sure that he was well on the way to being well-and-truly drunk.  The same could be said of Ryder.  Gwen, on the other hand, was stone-cold sober.  Of that he was absolutely sure.  And she was slowly but surely drawing Nick out, asking just the right questions at just the right time, dropping in stories of her own and adding humor when things turned too serious.

Cody was seriously impressed and decided that he was in love.  After all, she was pretty.  Around five-five, trim, with a nice tan, a spray of freckles across her nose and cheeks, and perky reddish-blonde hair that she kept trying to secure behind her ears.  She knew how to surf and play volleyball and tennis.  And her parents were the kind of people even _his_ parents would consider having over for evening cocktails.  But it was her eyes that did the trick.  Big blue-green eyes that laughed and cared and loved.  She was a little piece of home in the middle of the green suck and he wanted to just sit and watch her forever.

He sighed softly and continued staring as she leaned closer to Nick, saying, "You know that accident wasn't your fault, right?"

Nick swallowed hard, his eyes unusually bright.  It took Cody a moment to realize that the effect was due to unshed tears and not the multiple glasses of beer.  He swallowed another gulp of his own too-warm beer and waited for an answer.

"I was the lead pilot," Nick said in a rough, tight voice.

"You were being shot at.  Your bird was hit.  You were fighting to keep it in the air, right?"

Nick nodded and Cody echoed the movement.

"I'll bet you were doing everything you could to keep the men in your bird safe and alive, right?"

Another set of nods.

"And so was Robbie, right?"

Nick sucked in a deep breath and nodded, too afraid to blink least the tears finally break free.

"Both of you were doing everything you could to keep your guys alive and stay in the air, but those birds are just machines.  You shoot 'em up and they jerk and fight, right?"

"Yeah," Nick said, running a crushed damp napkin over his eyes.  "They do.  I was sure we were goin' down."

"Nick, I want you to listen to me, okay?" Gwen said.

He smashed the napkin in his hands, not meeting her gaze, but nodding.

"You can only do so much with a machine.  Robbie, too.  You were both fighting for your lives, and the lives of those soldiers.  Your choppers collided, Robbie went down.  You didn't hit him.  You were doing everything you could to stay in the air.  So was he.  It was an accident.  Nothing more, nothing less.  You have to believe that.  You did the best you could.  He did the best he could."

Nick nodded.  "But _he_ crashed," he said, his voice breaking as the first tears slipped over his cheeks and fell onto the table.

"I know, Nick.  And I'm really sorry those men died, but it just wasn't your fault."

"Why'd Robbie go down?" Nick asked her, his expression pleading for answers and forgiveness.  "Why wasn't it me?"

"Maybe you're a better pilot," she replied.  "Or maybe your bird wasn't as shot up.  Or maybe he was hit and you weren't.  It just happened that way, Nick.  There's no why, it just is."

Cody swallowed hard and leaned forward, reaching out to rest a hand on Ryder's shoulder.  "There's twelve guys alive right now because you got us the hell out of there, man," he slurred.  "Remember that, too."

"And three dead," Nick countered, but there was no more anger in his voice or eyes, just sadness.

"And if someone else was flying your bird there might be a lot more people dead, Nick.  You gotta trust yourself."

"I just can't stop thinkin' that if I'd been more careful-- If I'd got us out of there a little quicker we wouldn't have bumped–"

"You can play it over and over and over, Nick, but when it comes right down to it, what you keep finding is that you did everything you could, isn't that right?" Gwen asked.

Ryder sat silently for a moment, letting the tears fall before he nodded.  "Yeah."

"Then let it go, Nick.  It's God, or Murphy, or maybe just bad luck that's to blame, not yourself.  And if you believe in God, then you can't blame at all.  You have to accept that He does what He does for a reason."

Nick drew a long, deep breath and let it out in a ragged sigh.  He nodded.  "It just hurts sometimes," he said softly.

She nodded and reached across the table to take his hands in hers.  "I think that's okay, Nick," she said softly.  "I think that means you're still alive in there."

Cody nodded and patted Nick's shoulder.  "I think she's right, buddy."

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

The following day Nick and Cody spent the day helping Gwen and several others volunteers finish decorating the Officers' Club and several other buildings for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Both men moved a little slower than they normally did, nursing pounding hangovers.

But by the time the pageant started they had recovered, and Cody decided that Nick was going to be okay.  Their long talk with Gwen the night before seemed to have given the man some measure of peace and for that Allen was very grateful.  For whatever reason, he considered this man a friend, and he didn't want to see him consumed with guilt.

Having secured two seats close to the makeshift stage they'd helped erect earlier, Nick and Cody applauded loudly when Gwen walked out onto the stage with a guitar.

She waited for the cheers to die down, then smiled at the crowd, inciting another round of cheers.  She waved at them to quiet down and the boisterous crowd acquiesced.

"This is a song a fighter pilot here taught me.  He's not with us this Christmas, and I know his wife and daughters are missing him something terrible," she said, her voice catching slightly, "but he told me once that he thought the guys we've lost can hear us up in heaven, so Nathen Carter, this one's for you, and for the friend of a friend…"

Cody glanced over at Nick, noting the surprise on his face.  Gwen was singing for Robbie Faye, too.

She adjusted the guitar, tucked her hair behind her ear, then started.

 

_Merry Christmas Mom, Merry Christmas Dad,_

_merry Christmas to my love._

_Merry Christmas to the sweetest little girls_

_that ever came from God above._

_Wish I could be home with the ones I love,_

_it's a long time since I've gone…_

_Santa take this heart of mine,_

_and tie it up with bows and twine,_

_and take it to the folks back home._

 

The crowd was silent as she began, but many of the pilots in the room quickly joined in, and by the time she reached the chorus more voices had combined to fill the room with song.

Gwen smiled at the men watching her, encouraging more of those who knew the words to sing along.

 

_A turkey mom will bake,_

_and Dad will say a prayer,_

_and someone special thinks of me._

_I'd give anything if I could be back home,_

_but it's so far across the sea._

_Wish I could be home with the ones I love,_

_it's a long time since I've gone…_

_Santa take this heart of mine,_

_and tie it up with bows and twine,_

_and take it to the folks back home._

 

She slipped into a musical interlude and Cody noted more than a few tears being wiped off cheeks, Nick's among them.  He reached out and clapped the man's shoulder, offering him a smile.  Ryder returned it, his eyes more alive than they had been in days.

 

_Merry Christmas, Mom,_

_Merry Christmas, Dad,_

_Merry Christmas to my love._

_Merry Christmas to the sweetest little girls_

_that ever came from God above._

_Wish I could be home with the ones I love,_

_it's a long time since I've gone…_

_Santa take this heart of mine,_

_and tie it up with bows and twine,_

_and take it to the folks back home._

 

The voices swelled.

 

_Santa take this heart of mine,_

_and tie it up with bows and twine,_

_and take it to the folks back home._

 

When the song ended the voices shifted to cheers and applause thundered through the room.

"Thanks, guys," Gwen said into the old microphone.  "Okay, one more and then it's someone else's turn!"

A chorus of "Aww's" was her response.

She shook her head and led them in a rousing rendition of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," this time Nick and Cody joining in.

When they were done Gwen smiled and shook her head.  "I'll be back a little later," she promised, then waved and jogged off the stage, more applause and two proposals of marriage following her.

Cody glanced at Nick, who gave him a small grin.  It was a start, Allen decided, and more than he'd expected when they'd left.  "Merry Christmas, Nick," he said.

"Yeah, Merry Christmas, to you, too, Cody.  And thanks."

Allen shrugged and grinned.  Despite his best intentions Nick Ryder had gotten under his skin – he was a friend and Allen vowed to do everything he could to ensure they both made it back to the World whole and sane.[1]

  


* * *

[1]  **Author's note** :  the situation and events in this story are true, but real people have been replaced by fictional characters.  The song is "Fighter Pilot's Christmas," by Dick Jonas, Saul, Chuck and Robin from _In Country: Folk Songs of Americans in the Vietnam War_.


End file.
